I celebrate those moments in my walk with Christ when it all seems to fall into place. When I have vision and passion, and where my focus is firmly on Him. At these times I can sense destiny in the air, His word seems to speak directly to my heart and a lifestyle of worship is the norm. It feels safe to be in this place, safe and good. In those moments there is clarity in my life.
But those other moments, in between the experiences of clarity… feel like I am stumbling around in the dark, weighed down with a shattered heart, deep disappointment and far off dreams.
The stumbling feels unsafe, dangerous. I feel guilty before God for my emotional state, as though by acknowledging the wounds in my life I am somehow betraying the goodness of God.
The thing is, in the midst of it all, way way down in my heart, I know God is faithful. I know He is good. It’s just that my human experience in this season briefly eclipsed the light of His purpose and plan for a time.
So what do we do when we are stumbling? How do we regain hope when it has been dashed against the rocks? We continue. Continue stumbling down the path of righteousness. As Eugene Peterson so aptly phrased; it’s a long obedience in the same direction.
We sit before God and weep. We read the word and meditate on truth, even as our minds are racing with thought after thought of loss and pain. We sing to God songs of praise, believing in our hearts that its authenticity is in our choosing to do so in spite of the sadness we feel.
This is truly a sacrifice of praise.
This is where my journey has led me recently. I have wrestled with hurt, guilt and sadness. I have revisited old wounds and fought off bitterness and anger. I have arrived at a place of process in God. He is more than able to handle our process;
‘For He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust.’– Psalm 103 v 14
Even so, these 3 remain… faith, hope and love. I learned in this season that without hope, faith and love fall flat. Without hope, faith is a burden and a struggle to maintain. Hope brings joy to our journey of faith and ignites love within us.
Hope is springing back slowly but surely. It always does given enough time.
So don’t quit. Don’t look back in anger. A season of clarity is coming once again; though the vision tarries it will surely come.
Stumbling into the light is better than losing the light altogether. It’s definitely humbling, but I know which route I need to take.
“I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly.”
― Madeleine L’Engle